All I Want Is Love.... a bit of my story.

I think it's time to share a bit of my story. I have this real sense to do so. Surely there must be a reason as to why. Part of me wonders why. But here we go.

Let me begin by saying this: We all want to be loved. Love is the driving force to what it means to live.

I grew up with this double-minded thought: I knew I was loved and yet I didn't know I was loved. A lot of times I didn't feel it. I know love is more than feeling it but it sure does help to feel it. God did give us feelings for a reason.

I struggled with love. I wanted to be loved so badly that I would do anything to attract love. I would try to be funny. I would talk.....Those of you who know me knows that I love to talk. I would try so hard to be liked. Sometimes it worked...for a while. But I think I pushed more people away from me rather than keep them. The reason I say this is because I can be a bit overwhelming.

This is where fear took over. I feared love in many ways. I would become clingy to people and they would be overwhelmed by that trait that they would take a step back. I would take that as rejection and it would cause me to become more shy, and take me down a road of real discouragement. Fear would set in.

Then came the internal conversation that would beat me up mentally. "See, they don't like you so why should you like yourself." I would build walls around my heart to protect me but there was a small window in the wall that I could peer out. No matter how hard I would try to protect my heart, I would look out and crave to be loved.

The question became "Why won't people like me? Why won't people love me?"

This internal conversation would then begin again and say, "Don't go and meet new people because you know you'll say or do something stupid and then they'll know how stupid you are."

I remember reading one time this statement: The fear of rejection alot of times is worse than the rejection itself. For me that was the case. I was so afraid of people rejecting me that a lot of times I wouldn't even bother to try and meet people. It was safer that way. I didn't have to try and mend my heart again.

I wasn't popular at school. I didn't have alot of friends. I walked around with my head down. I didn't believe in myself. Not that I thought I was evil. I just didn't know how to deal with people. It was easier to be alone.

I knew that God loved me.... well... most of the time I knew God loved me. For a while I went through a time when I wondered if He did.

Fear leads to a feeling of unworthiness. When I was in my first year of College, I went through this. I felt so unworthy of love.

So how did I overcome it? I don't know if I have fully overcome the fear. But I can say that as I have opened myself up to the concept of love, I have found that people have always been there. Love has always been there.

I have a loving family. My sister is my best friend.

I have a loving church family. They stand by me.

I have great friends. Some who I have reconnected with after many years. Some have been with me on this incredible journey.

What am I trying to say?

Love is the only thing that can overcome rejection. Love is the only thing that can overcome hurt, bitterness, fear. Love is the only thing....

I have learned that I need to take the risk. If I want love then I need to give love. If I want love then I have to open myself to love. If I want love..... yes, I want love. I have love. I am loved.