Life is a gift. Relationship is a powerful thing. It's taken a number of years to come into the realization.
I grew up alone. My sister is ten years older than I am. She was married when I was 12 years old. So I spent alot of time alone. I had a few friends but for the most part I was alone. I could relate to senior citizens and younger kids but people my own age I couldn't understand at all. I grew up in church and enjoyed it very much. I hated to miss.
I had a strong faith relationship with God and my church.
Where I struggled was at school. I didn't really have alot of people to hang out with. I was shy. I was a bit eccentric. I felt...alone.
It's a terrible feeling. Yet sometimes it has been a comforting feeling in a strange way. Why do I say it was comforting? Sometimes I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid to be ridiculed and persecuted. People have been the best thing to happen to me and they've been the worst thing at some points in life.
We are strange creatures. We want friendship and relationship yet sometimes that which we want becomes the very thing we fear and resist the most. Sometimes it's easier to be alone.
I grew to the point for a long season where I didn't trust people. I shut people out of my world. Sure I was functioning in the church with a gift of prophecy. I was able to operate in that gifting but at the same time I had control as to how close people could come. The times I allowed people in was wonderful and dreadful at the same time. I loved the thought of having people around but I also had this need to pull away and be alone.
I craved relationship but because I had spent so much time alone I didn't know how to have relationship. I didn't know how to be a friend. I didn't know how to just be me. It was easier to be Clayton with the gift of prophecy.
Sometimes people would only want me for the gifting which became frustrating cause I wanted people to know me for more than my gifting yet at the same time I only portrayed that. It was easier to prophecy or share my gifting rather than to share the real me.
A lot of times it's easier to be Clayton, the teacher. I get my teacher hat on and share the deep things that I've been studying or analyzing.
It's been easier for me to be Clayton, the counselor. I love to help people with their problems.
There's nothing wrong with any of these things but these things are just that. Things. Giftings. Nouns.
So I'm on a journey of coming out of the cave of being alone and venture into the bright world of relationship...of friendship. In the last little while, I've come to embrace the light of friendship. It's been my quest for most of my life. I hope you'll join me on the same quest.
