The Quest of Friendship - part of my story

Life is a gift. Relationship is a powerful thing. It's taken a number of years to come into the realization.

I grew up alone. My sister is ten years older than I am. She was married when I was 12 years old. So I spent alot of time alone. I had a few friends but for the most part I was alone. I could relate to senior citizens and younger kids but people my own age I couldn't understand at all. I grew up in church and enjoyed it very much. I hated to miss.

I had a strong faith relationship with God and my church.

Where I struggled was at school. I didn't really have alot of people to hang out with. I was shy. I was a bit eccentric. I felt...alone.

It's a terrible feeling. Yet sometimes it has been a comforting feeling in a strange way. Why do I say it was comforting? Sometimes I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid to be ridiculed and persecuted. People have been the best thing to happen to me and they've been the worst thing at some points in life.

We are strange creatures. We want friendship and relationship yet sometimes that which we want becomes the very thing we fear and resist the most. Sometimes it's easier to be alone.

I grew to the point for a long season where I didn't trust people. I shut people out of my world. Sure I was functioning in the church with a gift of prophecy. I was able to operate in that gifting but at the same time I had control as to how close people could come. The times I allowed people in was wonderful and dreadful at the same time. I loved the thought of having people around but I also had this need to pull away and be alone.

I craved relationship but because I had spent so much time alone I didn't know how to have relationship. I didn't know how to be a friend. I didn't know how to just be me. It was easier to be Clayton with the gift of prophecy.

Sometimes people would only want me for the gifting which became frustrating cause I wanted people to know me for more than my gifting yet at the same time I only portrayed that. It was easier to prophecy or share my gifting rather than to share the real me.

A lot of times it's easier to be Clayton, the teacher. I get my teacher hat on and share the deep things that I've been studying or analyzing.

It's been easier for me to be Clayton, the counselor. I love to help people with their problems.

There's nothing wrong with any of these things but these things are just that. Things. Giftings. Nouns.

So I'm on a journey of coming out of the cave of being alone and venture into the bright world of relationship...of friendship. In the last little while, I've come to embrace the light of friendship. It's been my quest for most of my life. I hope you'll join me on the same quest.

From Grief to Optimistic Hope

My, how a year goes by quickly. It's been a year since I started expressing my heart and thought on here. Alot of changes have happened. Alot of life has been lived and the journey has had twists and turns: some expected, some not. That's the funny thing about life, we never know what it holds. Probably for the best we don't. I'm not sure we would embrace it as we should.

A year ago, I was still coming to terms with alot of things:

1) My health scare
2) Andrea's diagnosis
3) Sandi's passing
4) My Grandfather's/uncle's passing

Alot of grief....

I felt like Charlie Brown "Good Grief"...

Alot of emotional roller coaster rides. Alot of fear, joy, anxiety, tears, frustration, anger, feeling it wasn't fair, maybe it was fair, who knows....

Lots of love.

Lots of encouragement.

Lots of prayer, positive thoughts, positive energy.

Friday night, I had a wonderful opportunity and took it. I sang a couple of original songs for Relay for Life in Nackawic, my old stomping grounds. It was a great experience. I hadn't been back in at least 13-16 years. All the hurt and frustration I had felt...all the resentment, disappointment and anger had been replaced with a love. I sang my songs with a vulnerable confidence. I'm not a performer. But I do have something to say. That's not being cocky or thinking I'm all that and a bag of chips. I knew why I was there. I was there for one reason and one reason alone: these songs were Andrea's songs. They chronicle her journey.

I saw people I hadn't seen in a very very long time. The reception was pretty good. Who knows what may come out of it. Maybe nothing, That's okay. I'm alright. I'm honored. I'm blessed.

I had a chance to pray with a friend's mother. God's funny sometimes. I couldn't leave the event without obeying what I sensed. I know better.

I'm loved. I love. God loves in and through me. God loves me. That's the only way I can love because He first loved me.

So this year was so different than last year. Last year I was engulfed in my grief. This year I an engulfed in hopeful optimism. I think my friend would be pleased to hear that. That's not to say I won't have my moments of fear. I will. I know I will. And I will have to surround myself with these optimistic people who will listen to me and be me.

That's what I so appreciate: people who will let me be me. Let me be afraid. Let me be frustrated. Let me express my joy. Thank you.

Our Only Resort

My mind today is on the woman who came to Jesus with the issue of blood. In culture, she was known as unclean. She had exhausted all her resources. She was broke. She was in pain. She had been to every doctor and none had been able to cure her. No one was able to deal with the issue.

She came to Jesus. She didn't come to Jesus as a last resort. She came to Jesus because He was the Only Resort.

Have we exhausted all our resources, our strength, our pride, our emotions, our fears, our faith?

Are we spent from having exhausted all our resources?

Jesus isn't our last resort..... He's our Only Resort.

Do we have enough strength, even just a small measure of strength, to reach out and touch the hem of His garment?

Do we feel as if our issue is so big that we're not even sure that Jesus can take care of it?

Do we feel we are so far gone that there's no help for us?

He's our Only Resort.

There's something prophetic here today....

What have we got to lose?

Haven't we lost pretty near everything?

Haven't we come to the end of ourselves?

Reach out.... He's passing by. This is your opportunity. It's not going to hurt to reach out. You just might walk away with your issue dealt with.

Living In Context

I heard a phrase in my mind's ear the other day: Living in Context.

Context is the surroundings, circumstances, environment, background, or settings which determine, specify, or clarify the meaning of an event.

What a definition! In the midst of life happening, we find ourselves in and through the context of the bigger picture. We can't simply take one of life's happenings and make it the whole. It is only part of the context of life.

The people I surround myself with are a part of that context. I am blessed. Thanks for the coffee and chat. Thanks for letting me email you, facebook you, to vent, to cry, to laugh, to joke around. Thank you for being part of the context of my life for this time and season.

When Silence is Beautiful...

It's been a quiet time the last little while in many senses of the word. The prophetic world has been a bit silent. The thought world has been quiet in a sense. Silence can be frightening in some ways. Silence doesn't mean there isn't activity happening around you. It may not even mean that you're not listening. It could mean that there isn't anything happening that pertains to you at the time so you can rest assured in that.

I tend to become concerned in these times of silence. If a friend becomes silent I tend to personalize and internalize this and wonder if I may have said or done something that may have alienate that person. This more than like is not the case at all. Usually this is due to insecurity on my part. Silence is a hard thing for someone who loves words. I love how they are formed, how they are read/expressed.

Silence isn't a bad thing at all. Silence is something that should be embraced rather than rejected.

It seems kind of strange that I am writing a blog using words to describe silence. Silence is....beautiful.

Why Do I Want A Move of God In Corporate Setting?

In examining my heart as to the reason why I want a move of God in the church, is not to have a show. I'm tired of the show. I want people to have an experience with God in a corporate setting. I want people to see the Dynamic God that we serve. I want people to see and understand The Abundant God that we serve. I want people to experience Spirit.

My greatest fear is that we are raising up a generation that have no concept of Spirit, no concept of the importance the altar. If we don't teach a generation that balance between Word and Spirit we will have a full generation that will not know how to let what they have inside out.

It's not about manifestations. It's not about what we see on the outward. However it is about what is on the inside will come out.

A move of God within each person should cause a move of God in a corporate setting.

If we want to see miracles we need to be a miracle.

Easter - The Reminder of Love & Laying Down Life for Others

Easter is a wonderful time to remember just how loved we are. In our faith, it was the day that Love was expressed beyond measure. Love sacrificed. Love gave. Love still gives. Love gave before time began.

Jesus said that no greater love has a man than this: that he lay down his life for his friend.

I know what that means to each of us. I want to express this thought in a different light.
Are we willing to lay aside our agenda and take the time to listen to a friend who is facing a difficulty? Are we willing to lay down our "life" for a few minutes and be a friend in the truest sense of the word?

I have been on the receiving end of this recently. I have had a friend lay down their "lives" and be a great support, listener, and offer their thoughts concerning some of the circumstances I was facing. They took the time out of their day to be there. That's love.

I notice that for some people this comes naturally. For others, they struggle with this. Those that have a natural care and concern for others have cultivated this in their lives or maybe they didn't cultivate themselves. Maybe they were taught it from their parents. Or maybe it was something they were born with. Maybe they have a sensitive side. Whatever the case may be, they exude the nature of Christ.

Maybe they don't even realize that they reveal the nature of Christ. Maybe they don't "serve" Christ. Maybe they once did but they don't anymore. Maybe they have never been a Christian persay. The only way I can explain this is that as they breathe, they breathe the nature of Christ. They came from Spirit so they are simply acting from Spirit.

Isn't that what Jesus did the day "He had need to go to Samaria"?

Sometimes Samaria comes to us. Sometimes we go to Samaria. Sometimes we are Samaria.

So today, as we celebrate Easter, much like we did a few months ago with Christmas, I feel loved. Not only do I feel loved...I am loved. And as I have been blessed with the gift of love from my friends, so I desire to be in that position to return the favor. To lay down my "life" for a few minutes for a friend.