The Chapters of Life: Beginnings, Discoveries of Trust in Not Understanding

Each chapter of life has a beginning, a genesis. It has a story...life is made up of small intricate details. Some of these details are mundane and of no relevance to anyone but the one who is living it. Some details are life altering. Some details take some time to discover how they fit into the chapter being written. 

To understand your beginning you have to look to THE BEGINNING..THE AUTHOR OF LIFE. To comprehend the journey you have to focus with undivided focus on THE ONE who leads and guides with His rod of truth.

• He’s the Author and Finisher of our faith
• He’s the Alpha and Omega
• In the Beginning, God…
• He who began a good work will continue

Within the context of the journey, is the issue of trust. What we call blindsided, God calls His handiwork. There have been chapters in my story that I would have chosen to leave out. In order to grow faith will entail going through some things and circumstances that will stretch our faith. There are things that I have tried to pray away but that would be like trying to stop a freight train.

This issue of trust bears a question: Do I trust God enough to walk the journey? 

Sure I can check out any time I want to. I can sit on the picnic table of life and let life pass me by. I've done it. And yet that ever gentle Voice I hear edging me to the surface, to take a deep breath and take a leap into trusting Him is there and I find myself grateful that I took the step. 

There is redemption in every story if one is willing to look deep enough. Thank God for the train wrecks in life. Thank God for the tears, the hurts, the rejections (whether real or perceived). Sure I wouldn't want to go through them again but I sure learned alot in life. 

Great faith doesn't come from cute little religious, positive thinking, kind of living. Great faith comes from the big inhale and exhale of living, of saying under your breath, "Here it goes God"... Great faith comes from trusting God in it all. .... When I Don't Understand.... that's where you find real trust. I don't need trust necessarily in those times and seasons where I understand.....I need it in the times when my heart is overwhelmed... LEAD ME TO THE ROCK.... 

Trust is discovered in the NOT UNDERSTANDING... because it brings us to the place where the gold is hidden. 

Here we started talking about the beginning....look to THE BEGINNING in these times of NOT UNDERSTANDING. Don't settle for not understanding but allow yourself to understand and discover in the times of Not Understanding. 

Seasons, They Are A Changin'

As I look at this blog, I see that two years have passed since I've wrote one on this site. I had written notes on Facebook, hoping that there would be more traffic and visibility. I'm not sure if there was. Maybe there was...Maybe not. Who knows.

Within the context of the two years that have passed, a whole lot of life has been lived. It's been a rough journey to say the least. Loss, grief, frustration, questions..a ton of them.

But the season is changing...I'm sure you are familiar with me saying this. I think that's what blogging is for me. The sheer discovery of change.

Life is on the upswing at the moment. It's something I celebrate.

I also know that when the season changes, there is an overlapping of seasons. Let me explain:
I have seen it snow in October....but just because it snows in October doesn't mean that it's winter. Winter doesn't start until late December.

As a season begins to change, there will be an overlapping for a little while. Things are changing. This I know. This I embrace and celebrate. Let there be one last winter blizzard. It won't last.

I will continue to write blogs the same way I always have...when I feel like there is something to be said. Hope you will keep with me on the journey...

God Speaking: When Hearts are Prepared and The Time is Right: Look Out. Power is Released.

I've been thinking about God speaking to us as His children. I've had way too many experiences in my life to even think of denying that He speaks. I started to hear God speak as a teenager. I didn't always know how to handle what I heard. I shared things probably more out of zeal than wisdom. But that's how we learn, right?

I would hear things and just speak them out.

I don't do that as much as I used to. Not to say that I don't still do that. But I try to be sensitive now. Wait for the right time to share. Let the word settle deep in my heart. When the time is right, then deliver it.

I've learned just how important tone is when delivering the Word that God places in my heart. Wrong tones just hurt people. When the tone is right in the delivery, man.... how effective.

I've learned to give the word I hear and sense out of love. I love the people that I minister to. I love the people that God wants to heal, restore, deliver, free up. Love is the motivation. It has to be.

Last evening, as I was trying to nod off to sleep, I felt God speaking and ministering to people who I know on just a name basis. I haven't met them yet. But I know that God wants to meet them where they are. He wants to speak His love to them. He wants to speak His Heart to them. And I believe He will in His time.

I get excited when God starts speaking to me and sharing His heart with me. That's another thing I've had to learn....hold onto the word. Don't deliver it out of my excitement because maybe they're not ready to hear the word yet. God prepares people's heart to be able to receive the word. When hearts are prepared and the word is given in the right time: my, my... what a combination. When these two things come together, the power of God is released to do what the word was sent to accomplish.

All I Want Is Love.... a bit of my story.

I think it's time to share a bit of my story. I have this real sense to do so. Surely there must be a reason as to why. Part of me wonders why. But here we go.

Let me begin by saying this: We all want to be loved. Love is the driving force to what it means to live.

I grew up with this double-minded thought: I knew I was loved and yet I didn't know I was loved. A lot of times I didn't feel it. I know love is more than feeling it but it sure does help to feel it. God did give us feelings for a reason.

I struggled with love. I wanted to be loved so badly that I would do anything to attract love. I would try to be funny. I would talk.....Those of you who know me knows that I love to talk. I would try so hard to be liked. Sometimes it worked...for a while. But I think I pushed more people away from me rather than keep them. The reason I say this is because I can be a bit overwhelming.

This is where fear took over. I feared love in many ways. I would become clingy to people and they would be overwhelmed by that trait that they would take a step back. I would take that as rejection and it would cause me to become more shy, and take me down a road of real discouragement. Fear would set in.

Then came the internal conversation that would beat me up mentally. "See, they don't like you so why should you like yourself." I would build walls around my heart to protect me but there was a small window in the wall that I could peer out. No matter how hard I would try to protect my heart, I would look out and crave to be loved.

The question became "Why won't people like me? Why won't people love me?"

This internal conversation would then begin again and say, "Don't go and meet new people because you know you'll say or do something stupid and then they'll know how stupid you are."

I remember reading one time this statement: The fear of rejection alot of times is worse than the rejection itself. For me that was the case. I was so afraid of people rejecting me that a lot of times I wouldn't even bother to try and meet people. It was safer that way. I didn't have to try and mend my heart again.

I wasn't popular at school. I didn't have alot of friends. I walked around with my head down. I didn't believe in myself. Not that I thought I was evil. I just didn't know how to deal with people. It was easier to be alone.

I knew that God loved me.... well... most of the time I knew God loved me. For a while I went through a time when I wondered if He did.

Fear leads to a feeling of unworthiness. When I was in my first year of College, I went through this. I felt so unworthy of love.

So how did I overcome it? I don't know if I have fully overcome the fear. But I can say that as I have opened myself up to the concept of love, I have found that people have always been there. Love has always been there.

I have a loving family. My sister is my best friend.

I have a loving church family. They stand by me.

I have great friends. Some who I have reconnected with after many years. Some have been with me on this incredible journey.

What am I trying to say?

Love is the only thing that can overcome rejection. Love is the only thing that can overcome hurt, bitterness, fear. Love is the only thing....

I have learned that I need to take the risk. If I want love then I need to give love. If I want love then I have to open myself to love. If I want love..... yes, I want love. I have love. I am loved.

Life at 35

I love how life has taken on more meaning this past season of my life. I must be honest by saying that I thought my life would look differently than it does. I would love to have been married by now with children. I would have thought my life would have been in what I thought ministry would have looked like.

But...

I must say that I am thankful....grateful... for what my life looks like right now. Ministry is sweet.

I have had such opportunities in the last 6 months that have been absolutely out of this world crazy and amazing. I have reconnected to people that I haven't seen in many many years. I have been able to encourage them.

And it hasn't all been about me encouraging them, pouring into them, taking them "under my wing". Not in the least. It's been about watching my family increase. Gaining a brother. Gaining a sister. Watching friendships rekindle. Being full of awe and wonder at what is God up to.

Yeah, my life is wonderful right now.

Ministry has taken on a different look right now. I am part of a grass roots ministry right now. I am singing background vocals which I enjoy. I am sharing once a month for a few minutes.

I don't know what's ahead for me.... but I must say that being 35 has been alright. :)

Connection - 20 years and Never Missed A Beat

This weekend was I think one of the most important weekends of the year for me. I had the great opportunity to visit with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in 20 years. We had met at a Bible Camp when we were 15. I really believe that he left a carbon footprint on my soul.... well the God within him did for sure.

We had a lot to catch up on sure. Life sure has been interesting for the both of us. Lots of good stuff...some trials and tribulations.... fear...frustration..... stress. And yet even in the midst of all that stuff, God is still present and real.

Though 20 years went by, it was like we never missed a beat. Which blows my mind really. 20 years is a long time but I tell you that what a feeling of ease knowing that things hadn't changed in the friendship at all.

I had often wondered where life had taken him and we took the time to talk about everything we could. We shared a lot of stuff on a deeper level.

I was so honored to have been asked to stay in his home and meet his wife and son (and Liberty, the Dog). I felt as if I were part of the family. We're working on another visit soon... not another 20 year wait. :)

As I drove up the driveway to go home, I was overwhelmed by the gift God gave me to reconnect. That's what this whole life is about. Connection. Connection is vital. It's important. We need it. We were created to connect.

It's not about having an answer for every question or a response to every conversation. I think I've learned finally over the last few years that the listening ear is more important. To be there for a person. To let them vent, express, feel what they do. Not to try and change them into who you think they should be. That's not where it's at.

I desire connection. That's what I want in my life. That's what life is all about anyway. I want to be present when they need to talk, vent, express. Here's my ear.... it's ready. I hope I won't feel the need to give the pat answer. If I do, please accept my apology in advance. :)

Moving Forward, Reconnections and the Journey

Well I have spent some time contemplating, thinking about God did in my life over the course of this past weekend at the first anniversary service for Forward Church. It's hard to believe that a year ago God began to move upon my heart to connect to the church. I've had an amazing experience, made alot of good friends and family.

This weekend we had two pastors from Ohio have our services. Saturday night was so powerful. It caused me to realize that I can still believe in the dreams that God has for me. I must not let go of the dream.

Sunday morning was just as powerful.

Though I was tired, I felt I needed to go hear one of the pastor's preach at another church Sunday night. Again there was a deep impartation presented.

There was a song sung that totally went deep into my heart and I've been singing it all week:

I'M NOT GOING BACK
I'M MOVING AHEAD
I'M HERE TO DECLARE TO YOU
MY PAST IS OVER IN YOU

This is what the weekend meant for me. It's about moving forward.... to not be content staying where I am at in my life.

I once again found a couple of friends from my camper days as a teenager on Facebook. I find it so amazing all these reconnections coming my way. I believe there is a reason for it.

I'm very excited for the weekend. I am going down to visit with a friend and meet his wife and son. Again another connection from my camp days....after all these years.... it's like we never lost touch.

You may wonder about these reconnections.... isn't that going back to the past? Not at all.... I really believe that reconnections are meant for the future. God has something in mind.... I'm embracing this.

I wonder:
what does the second year of Forward Church mean to me?
what does the reconnections mean?

I'm looking forward to the journey....